It's Okay To Be Mad

I'm pretty mad.  And I don't know what to do with this emotion as I can't remember the last time I was truly angry.  Sure, I get hurt, sad, frustrated, guilty, bummed, whatever (I'm not ALWAYS happy - just MOST of the time) but never mad.

You see, cancer is my dad's side of the family's trial on this earth. My grandparents died of cancer.  My aunt died of cancer.  My other two aunts have bravely battled cancer and my dad has had a small instance of skin carcinoma (it still counts!)

Ever since high school, I knew cancer was in my generation's future.  But I expected it when we were in our 60s or 70s.  Not now.

My cousin, Patrick, is 17 months older than me and has been diagnosed with Stage 3B Perihilar Cholangiocarcinoma.  I don't even know what that is, exactly, but I know it's not great.  He went through a 15-hour surgery where they found cancer in his liver and pancreas.  He's 42.  Married.  2 young kids.

I can understand a shooting in a movie theater.  I can understand a bombing in a night club.  Humans have free will, and the choice to do harm.  But I have a hard time with disease.  A baby dying.  A broken leg on Friday and dead and gone on Monday.  Leukemia taking a husband and a dad, leaving behind a beautiful wife and 3 young kids.  That is difficult for me to reconcile.

I have been talking to one of my favorite prayer warriors, Vivienne (our church in Montana, and here in Colorado are praying for Patrick) and I asked her about it.  We live in a fallen world.  In addition to sin, we get to deal with natural disasters, tragedies, and that includes stupid cancer.

AND. I'M. MAD.

So. I pray.

I pray that he heals quickly from surgery. That the doctors treating him seek God's wisdom.

I pray for the board that meets about his case on 12/14. May they make all the right decisions regarding his treatment as God wills it to be. 

I pray that his beautiful wife, Victoria, stays strong. She has to be strong for her husband, her kids, herself. I can't even imagine. I pray she leans on God for unexplained power and strength. 

I lift up Andy, Patrick's brother, my cousin that is 17 months younger than me. His best friend is sick and that has to be so hard. I pray he finds the right job and can move to Spokane, as desired, quickly. I hope he keeps his sense of humor through all this. It is how our family deals, after all. But, I, for one, love how he makes everyone laugh!

I pray that God takes away my feelings of guilt. Matt and I were talking about this - how these are some of our favorite people and it's been since May 2014 that we've seen each other. And what's my excuse?  I don't have little kids that are tough to travel with. I am free as a bird and yet, I haven't made it a priority. 

I pray for my Aunt Gloria. The Big C...now in her son. Mad, I tell ya. I just shake my head at the injustice of it all. And frankly, I want to launch myself onto the floor and throw a fit. Adulting is hard. 

I pray that good is seen in this situation. I know He uses ALL things for good. And we may never know what that is until we're on the other side. But I sure hope it's revealed to everyone. It would make this a smidge easier.