Last Day of 21 Days of Prayer

Okay.  I'm done.  Those are the last words I heard Scott say before he hung up on me.  Directly after I responded "as if that isn't all you've done" to his asking me if he could talk now and for me just to listen. I didn't want to say that.  I even tried not to.  But they just came flying out of my mouth anyway.

I think this is the first time in 18 years that Scott has hurt me.  At least, I can't remember a single time I felt this way.  And it is totally of the devil. We got into the argument of who the elect is. Again. I think it's everyone that is given the choice to follow God.  Scott says that God chose a select group of people to be saved.  Granted, God knows who is going to choose Him and who isn't, but I believe all are given the opportunity by God to choose Him.  But again I felt evil spirits all around me in this part of the conversation.  

And I weep.  

Because I don't know how to defend my faith.  I don't know how to communicate what I believe.  If I can't do it with the strongest Christian I know, how can I share my faith to a complete stranger that probably needs to hear it?  It's so frustrating, because I want to.  I just don't have the right words, knowledge or wisdom (whatever the difference is - at almost midnight the difference between the two escapes me).  We talked for over 4 hours.  Spoke for the first time in weeks, because God said to wait.  I know it was for Him to work in both our lives.  But I'm certain it was not for this outcome.  The end of the conversation screwed that up.  And while I prayed and prayed for God to give me the right words, or to be silent when needed, it still went south.  I don't want a good conversation to end that way.  I always want my last words to be "I love you".  

I am very sorry for saying such a hurtful thing to him to cause him to just hang up without a goodbye.  I am very sorry for not knowing the Bible. I am very sorry for the tone my voice can have without my even meaning to.  I am very sorry for not being able to convey what I mean in an effective, loving way.  But I am not sorry for my faith and belief in a holy, good, sovereign, merciful, gracious, LOVING God.  

I ask for forgiveness.  I pray for guidance on what to do now.  The "happy go lucky" part of me thinks this is an evil attack in response to obedience to God.  Wouldn't that be amazing?  Cuz this one cut deep.  The terrified part of me thinks this is the beginning of the end while we deny ourselves for God's work.  I just hope we get a chance to say a proper goodbye.